Calm and peaceful

As many of you know, Brandon and I moved back to Michigan, where I got a job at a small non-profit. We are now expecting a baby boy (in 3 months, wow!), and overall, life looks and feels a lot differant than either of us thought it would.

I think it's human nature to go from one thing to the next, but perhaps today's society encourages this behavior to the extreme. People are constantly busy with school, work, family, friends, outside obligations and events, home maintanence, trips, saving for this, spending for that.... and now that I think about it, the holiday's are upon us and I know we all have a lot that is going to happen between now and New Years! (And in my case a baby shortly after that, ha).

It's always been a dream of mine to be able to live a life where I don't get caught up in the hustle and bustle. Or if I do occassionally committ to multiple obligations, that it doesn't cause me stress, and that I eventually move back to a place of calm and peace.

But to the be honest.... with my weekend completely wide open... and as I sit and watch the snow gently falling... I am seized by this need to be moving... doing something.... tackling some sort of to-do list that I don't even have right now, just like I have trained myself to do.

So, here's to the effort of just being calm and peaceful. I think I will read, and maybe I will write. Later I will get to see some family, so I'm not really sure why I'm making myself feel like I'm being too idle or neglecting anything. The few cleaning things that need to be done have been done, and I should enjoy being present. :)

That took a turn...

Now that I work a job Monday through Friday, I really treasure my weekends. I make a little to-do list, and I try to always include something fun.

 Today, one of the things on my to-do list was take Kodiak to the veternarian, so we can get her spayed. I know they will want to establish her as a patient before they schedule a surgery, so I thought, "The walk-in hours on Saturday morning is the perfect time for us to get this done!"

So we hop in the car, and I would say overall she does very well. She's not perfect, but she doesn't pull too hard at her leash, and I can get her attention with some kibble, and she will sit or lay SOOO NICELY at my feet.

Until a stranger gets close to her....

Some background: when she hit about 6 months old, she went from being friendly to everyone, to being skittish toward pretty much every human. I'm not exactly sure what changed. Generally if we are spending a good chunk of time with people, she will eventually calm down, but she acts wary the entire time.

Back to the present: when the nurses came in to get a blood sample, she started barking, and running away, and trying to crawl under me and behind me. The three of us were on the floor trying to coax and sorta wrestle (with her leash) her into a position where they could get a sample of blood. We ended up putting a muzzle on her, because we weren't sure whether she was going to bite, but she was acting scared enough that she made me nervous. And then she trashed around like she was demon possessed... I felt really bad, but we were able to get the sample, and I kept telling myself she wasn't always going to do this poorly.

Then the doctor came in... and it was worse... we put the muzzle on her again, but I abolustely could not get her into a position where he could examine her, and he wasn't coming near her because of how crazy she was acting...

So he refused to see her, treat her, or schedule a surgery for her... He said, "She's too aggressive. She's an aggressive dog."

I can see why he would do that, but that doesn't mean it didn't sorta completely crush me...

As I'm driving back home, I start to think,

"Did I do something to make her so aggressive toward strangers? Is it my fault? Am I a bad dog mom? Oh my gosh, am I going to be a terrible human mom!? Or am I going to somehow mess up my kid so bad that people are going to move away from my child in public???"

And then, of course, the tears come. I'm ashamed and embarrassed because I imagine in my head that the doctor and nurses are judging me so harshly right now, and wondering why a person like me was even allowed to have a dog in the first place... and that she's probably one of the worst dogs they've ever had to deal with.... And I just can't stop my mind from going a little crazy with ways to fix this before she's the most permanently bad dog on the face of the planet...

Right now she's sleeping nicely at me feet, and I'm looking at the brochures I picked up at the office for dog training. I'm not 100% sure where to start, but I think I am going to have to hire a trainer.

I'll just add that to my To-do list...

It's been MONTHS

It's been quite awhile since I've posted. There are so many reasons I'm sure many of you can relate to (ya know.. being busy with life).

First, I got a job. It's at a pregnancy center called Alternatives, and it's a wonderful, Christian environment. I feel uplifted by the other staff members, and we regularly pray over clients or each other. I can honestly say I leave work feeling renewed in my faith and beliefs.

It's difficult to find a place to work where you don't feel like a number, and I am truly blessed to have been hired at Alternatives.

It's also a 1 hour communte... one way. So my days have been pretty full Monday through Friday.

Because it's a 1 hour drive, Brandon and I are actually looking to buy a home closer to work! This has been taking up a lot of time an energy, and we haven't even found a place yet, haha.

I also have a weekend job! To pay for this so-called house I plan on buying. I usually only work Saturday or Sunday, but recently I worked both days, so I went from Alternatives all week to my weekend job, back to Alternatives. Thankfully this is only for the summer, so there is an end in sight! And until then, the extra money pays for the gas I use driving back and forth all the time.

And lastly...

So this has also been taking up my time and ENERGY (meaning I don't have any anymore, ha).

Well, that's all the updates I have for right now!

P.S. No, we don't know if it's a boy or a girl yet, that's not for a few weeks (and I am finding out!), we just know it's a good, healthy baby. :)

Why my life looks different than I said it would

Why does it look like I am not doing what I said I was going to do? Why does it look like I failed at what I set out to do?

The answer to these questions are so deep and multifaceted. And at the risk of exposing my soul, I'm going to try to succinctly explain.

First... our truck... it was so incredibly awful. It caused tears and stress every single day. We had to get new batteries, and then the alternator wouldn't charge them. The starter fell out, so Brandon had to cut new bolts to try and fix it! And on top of that, it wouldn't start below 50 degrees, so we always had to plug it in to charge it, and warm it up. While there are parts of this truck that are great for our needs, every day I would hold back comments about how I really felt about it... and often I would actually just shut down completely: mentally and emotionally, because of the stress of dealing with it.

Second, our debt. We saved enough for us to be out of work for awhile and be okay. And to be honest, we still are okay, because we were darn good at saving. I am still not freaking out over the fact that I haven't worked in 4 months. But what I started to realize was that this lifestyle (living and traveling in a camper) would be so much more enjoyable without ANY debt. Zero. None. So now Brandon and I are on a mission to pay off ALL of it very quickly, which means we need to stay put for awhile.

Third, our marriage. This is the hardest to write about.
Brandon and I got married very young, and while I will never regret it, I am still learning. The hardest thing I've had to learn is: people change, plans change, goals change, and dreams change. I am not the same woman Brandon married 7.5 years ago, and he is not the same man. The goal of becoming a nurse is a reality for me now, but Brandon's goal of becoming a professor did not. This was a sort of crushing blow to both of us two years ago, and for some reason, it's catching up to us now.
When that happened, I began to move on with MY dreams and goals, because I could. I flitted from one thing to another, like a bird, feeling out what I wanted to tackle next. But Brandon has been searching for purpose ever since. I was just too self-absorbed to see it.
In these past two years I have definitely not been supporting him in his search for a new path in life. I suppose I thought it would just happen, that he would fall into it without my reassurance... but it hasn't.
I started to reassess my dreams and goals while traveling, and I have decided family is the most important thing (on earth). Brandon is my number one and I don't want him to be secondary to dreams of traveling. Does this make me sad? No, not at all. Because like I said earlier: people change, plans change, and dreams change. This is a part of life, and I am okay with it. In fact, I am at peace knowing that I am focused on my husband. If something happens, and I die tomorrow, I won't be sad I didn't make it down the West Coast that one time.
I also realized that I need a support system in order to become a stronger support for Brandon. Living so isolated in a camper was hard because there were quite a few times when I felt completely alone. I am not an island, and it has been easier for me to be around loving family in order to keep a positive attitude. I do not make friends easily, but I thrive on being able to talk to someone.
Brandon, on the other hand, can meet people anywhere we go. He can strike up conversations and make friends so causually... it's sorta a super power. He met a kid skiing (I was not with him), and the next day this kid is at the same restaraunt we go to for dinner, eating by himself. So Brandon asks if we can sit, and of course this kid says yes, and we all sit, and they both chat easily about... stuff! I am just sitting there trying to supress my internal stranger danger alarm and smile once in awhile, haha.
Camping in a rural woods and some hikers come across our camp? Brandon made friends with them. They would give him things, and share tips. But I digress.

Does the change in our two year plans make us failures? Does it seem embarrassing? I guess I don't think so, or I wouldn't be writing about it. But you tell me, because this blog can be a two way street of communication. 😊

Don't judge a book by it's cover

You hear it said over and over. And people still do it. Is it a bad thing? Or is there a balance we can find that allows us to live the life we strive for, as well as live harmoniously with those we pass by.

I desire things to look beautiful. I enjoy looking at how people build, organize, and decorate their lives... as long as it fits my criteria of beauty. And while I don't think I'm necessarily wrong being slightly selective with my home or personal appearance, I think I needed to relearn that not everyone looks, thinks, or acts like me.

We met some people on our travels. And when I first met them, I didn't like them very much. I didn't see them as "wholesome," and it bothered me that Brandon kept connecting with them.

It's been a week now, and I realize how wrong I was. They have been incredibly friendly and generous to us. They have been helping us with our truck problems. Offering us rides, food, and companionship. We have been able to talk about a multitude of topics that are interesting over the nightly fire. And since we are hopefully on our way soon, I realized tonight that I would reach out to them if we come back to the area.

So you see, my snap judgements aren't always correct. And it's humbling to relearn that. 😊

Puppy adventures

I'm Kodiak! Well, my full name is Kodiak Underfoot Stark (betcha can't guess how I got that name. 😂 ) I also go by Kodi and Kodes, because my Mom likes nicknames. I am 5 months old, and I am very mischievous and hyper!

I am the camper adventure puppy! I LOVE being outside!

 Doesn't matter where we are, I can stay outside all day! (Although I prefer snow.)

 I will sit by the door and beg to go out anytime someone reaches for their coat or shoes. I already know what it means when I hear the word "walk". (Also a bit of realness here... I make the camper rug a complete mess.)

 If my parents let me, I will lay outside vs. coming in to lay down.

I don't really like car rides yet, but our truck allows me to get up close and personal to Mom!

Mom and Dad say I'm a ton of work, have a lot of energy, and can be naughty. But I try to make up for it by being SO CUTE. I don't think I've met someone who can resist me yet! (Or me them, I love people!)

*Note: I want my blog to be a space of beauty and inspiration, so I can be a little selective of the pictures I post. However, sometimes I want to be real with you guys, and you'll see our life isn't shiny and pretty all the time. 😊

Finally on the move

Well Brandon and I got the truck and camper in shape to MOVE!
The road to get here was LONG and HARD. And the hardships are clearly not over yet.

The day we left was a flurry of activity. We had to do laundry, take a shower (because we don't know the next time we'll be able to take a full blown shower vs. washing up in our camper sink), get a few parts and pieces, propane, water.... I think that was about it... but then we actually had to go.

Starting out was actually pretty good. But the day didn't continue to go smoothly. The truck has so many things that need fixed. Like... there are wires sticking out all over the dash... the lights and gauges don't all work... Tip of the iceberg, haha.

To be fair, Brandon can be a little bit of a worrier... so while we were going up Monarch Pass, he worked himself up, and we had to stop really quickly because he got sick. After that, I tried to drive the rest of the way up the pass, but then our truck overheated, so we had to stop again.... the coolant was boiling... clearly a very bad sign. And of course we are nowhere near civilization.

There were tears on my part, haha.

After we had stopped for about 45 minutes, we started up again. And we made it to some BLM land just outside of Gunnison. Brandon was supposed to ski the next day, but we knew until we checked over the truck we weren't going to make it.

Anyway, we saw a mechanic, got some new batteries, and headed on our way again. We made it to Ouray, and we are currently in an RV park. Ouray is a super cute town, and I have been enjoying the two days we've been here. 😊 We haven't quite figured out where we are going next, but I guess we don't have to, ha.